The Dark Magic of Tentacle Love

[biohazardgirl]

So. . .

I wrote a short crack-fic about Voldemort having sex with the Giant Squid.

Yep.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter doesn't belong to me, and if JKR ever read this she would probably die of shock and sadness.

Also, now with art by anonymouslyyours:  http://anonymouslyyours.dreamwidth.org/3144.html 

 

The day that Voldemort seized Hogwarts castle was one of the happiest days of his life, for many reasons. He found the school fascinating; it was extremely magical, and it housed one of his Horcruxes. He also loved brainwashing young witches and wizards in favor of his dogma. However, there was another reason that Lord Voldemort was thrilled on that day, and it had to do with the simple fact that he had a nagging problem.

His problem had nothing to do with his plans for world domination. The Death Eaters and snatchers and magical creatures were busy terrifying hideous muggles and muggle-borns into submission, and he was certain that he would catch Harry Potter at any moment and be rid of the foolish boy once and for all. No, things were definitely going his way on that front. The problem instead was of a much more. . .personal nature.

Namely, Lord Voldemort had a problem, and it involved being very horny.

For most evildoers, this would not be a problem; they would go fuck one of their henchmen and be done with it. However, Lord Voldemort found sex with humans to be truly disgusting; they made dying noises when they weren’t and they all had hair in strange places and they were expected to get pleasure out of the whole ordeal, which was really very annoying.

No, what Lord Voldemort wanted most in the bedroom was something that, like him, transcended beyond a mere human being, something immortal (or nearly so), and something entirely dangerous, deadly, and sexy.

He wanted to fuck the Giant Squid.

So, the night after Lord Voldemort seized the castle, he decided to do exactly that.

***

The trees rustled around Voldemort as he strode across the grounds of Hogwarts school. It was past two AM, and he was all alone; this was mostly thanks to the curfew guidelines that he had begun to recently enforce. He smiled at the thought as he strode over to the Great Lake where his future secret lover lay in wait.

When he arrived at the edge of the Lake, he peered into the murky waters below. He could see nothing; this made him laugh quietly to himself.

“Coy beast,” he murmured.

Then he cast a bubble charm over his head, and dove into the lake without removing any of his clothes.

Immediately the enormous beast was upon him.

“GRAWWWW” it cried.

Voldemort smiled and released a squid pheromone potion in the water. The squid’s one eye and large beak opened in sexual enthusiasm. Its tentacles began stroking Voldemort everywhere they could reach. Before long, the squid had stripped Voldemort of all of his clothing; they were tentacle on skin.

The Giant Squid rubbed Voldemort against its face as it used one tentacle to suction at Voldemort’s penis, and several others to suction at his legs, neck, and back. When the Giant Squid put its ink gland towards his penis, Voldemort came violently all over it. Completely spent, he magicked his clothes back on and shot up out of the water using magic to propel the water behind him. Then, after drying himself off with his wand, he strolled nonchalantly off of the grounds, and apparated back to his lair, able to once again focus on evil and all sorts of things like that.

No one would ever need to know.

***

Hundreds of years later, people travel around the world to tour Hogwarts’s Great Lakes and the unique humanoids who live within. Tourists back away in terror at the squid-like creatures who wave out of the water; they have heard stories of people who have been eaten while walking too close. Pictures are snapped at the creatures; people from all around are always amazed about how the squids look at once human and squidlike and snakelike.

One astute child, knowledgeable in magical history, says that the creatures look a tiny bit like Lord Voldemort. She is given an ice cream cone, told that she has a fantastic imagination, and promptly dismissed.

Because, after all, the Great Lake having squids that look like Lord Voldemort would possibly be the most preposterous thing in all of creation.

Wouldn’t it?

Comments

[anonymouslyyours]

Just wanted to leave a little love for this on the official entry!

Have a baby Squidemort

[biohazardgirl]

How are you so awesome? How does your body hold all of that awesome inside of it without exploding? Seriously, this is wonderful.