Jun. 6th, 2015 10:50 am
biohazardgirl: (Default)
Good morning, dreamwidth. More accurately, tired morning. I went out to Denny's and drank coffee until midnight and then stayed up until 6am and woke up at 10 am. I was like

Anyway I had a really fucked up dream, man. I dreamed I was on this ride at Marvel theme park where the only thing that went over your legs was like a blanket and then when the ride started it turned out that it was a roller coaster that went upside down. A young girl fell out of it and got really hurt. They rushed her to the medical place which I guess was nearby and you could hear her screaming and crying - it was so loud. I felt really useless because I didn't know how to help her when she was in so much pain and shame because her screams and the thought of her dying frightened me. It was so vivid and seemed so real.

The night before last night I had a recurring dream where I randomly run into an ex boyfriend at a party who treated me really poorly back in high school and it turns out that we've both grown and changed now that we're older and we were able to be friends. We both admitted that our mistakes were the mistakes of children and that we were too old to repeat them. I always wake up from those dreams a little sad because it is not real, even though it isn't what I want anyway. 

In other news last night I saw someone on the tumble (because I was browsing Hawkeye blogs at four am) talking about Clint pre-Fraction like he 'got away with everything by mansplaining' and I'm so done with the internet I swear to god. Clint often runs away from things out of a stupid need for excessive independence and sometimes he does try to take the easier way out if he thinks the situation is hopeless and sometimes his very obvious mental illness causes him to attempt to isolate himself but people not letting him get away with those things isn't people not letting him 'mansplain' out of situations. It's the very real frustration that people have towards mentally ill people who aren't getting better. I think I would rant more about this but I found a really nice article that explains my feelings about Fraction's Clint way better than I could have done. He also pointed some things out to me that I hadn't noticed before.


I find it interesting too that Clint IS drinking more at this point and actually Barney is as well. Their father was an alcoholic (and is one of the main things we know about him) and so it's both sad and makes sense for these characters to fall back on alcohol when they're in a bad way.

I think I wanna reread Fraction's Hawkeye again after reading a few more comics (related or unrelated) because the first time I loved it, the second time I wasn't sure how I felt about some parts, and the third time I think I'll really get to dig into it and look at the art and pick up things I missed. 

In other news I went up from 199.7 to 200.4 today :P I went over my calorie limit yesterday because my family ate at olive garden and my food app lied to me about the number of calories in something. I went to olive garden's website later and it gave me the true calorie count and then I was really pissed off. I need to go exercising today and eat less...losing weight is really frustrating and my mom says she is 'on a diet' but she keeps enabling me to make unhealthy choices because there was nothing in the house to eat and she was stress eating.
biohazardgirl: (Default)
I've basically been binge reading every Hawkeye solo (or duo) comic since 2010 after backtracking from Hawkeye 2012 and All New Hawkeye and........I have a lot of feelings about them and him and what it all means to me and why I identify with him so much lately. I also have some feelings about how he gets treated by others and how he isolates himself having backread his comics. Because I thought in the beginning that I was so intensely attached to him for ~mysterious reasons~ but it's actually very not surprising when I step back and examine him as a character and look at his story in Hawkeye 2012 in the aftermath of Hawkeye & Mockingbird, Widowmaker, and Hawkeye: Blindspot. 

I guess one of the main things that he and I have in common (and one of the things I have been working on) is independence to the point of ridiculousness. It's different than learned helplessness (which unfortunately many of those close to him view his shutdown as) because it's more based out of pride and this feeling that if you just tried hard enough you wouldn't need anybody or anything. You could have the help of superheroes on your side if you'd just ASK, but the asking is like pulling teeth. In Hawkeye 2012, it takes until he is at his literally lowest point before he admits he needs help, and by that point it's too late in a lot of ways. Grills is dead, his complex is physically forced to vacate, and Barney is shot dead too very shortly after he admits to needing help.

It's been a long, slow road to recovery for me since Angie left and I had to recover from her absence and from all she put me through before. She, wittingly or unwittingly, encouraged this trait within me, and it was not until I hit the lowest point I'd had in four years that I admitted to needing long-term psychiatric help. And then! I proceeded to go off one of my medications as soon as I got in good with my doctor which just goes to show that the battle against your own stubbornness is unending. In my own (and Clint's) case, the stubbornness that we've had since childhood unfortunately extends through suffering our own mental illnesses alone.

I guess another thing I'm getting at is I have seen people way overhyping Hawkeye 2012 and then long-term Hawkeye fans saying that they feel like Hawkeye 2012 isn't a 'real' Hawkeye comic. And after backreading his comics, I actually get where they are coming from. Hawkeye 2012 ISN'T a regular Hawkeye comic. But in the aftermath of his PTSD, breakup with his wife, and flirtation with his blindness and thus the loss of all he views as valuable to him, it makes sense to me for him to withdraw and for him to sort of become this black hole of mistakes, regrets, depression, and failure. It's certainly not the most fun thing to read after those comics (although the art is a whole lot less blinding and awkward than Hawkeye: Blindspot, christ) but I do think getting to this point was inevitable for him. I can also understand why those around him are very frustrated with him and how low he has sunk, though it does seem a bit unfair in some points. But when you're low it's still hard for those around you to not be frustrated because they know you can do better and be better.

In the end, I do like Lemire's All New Hawkeye better because it's more fun and builds a lot on some of the really interesting stuff Fraction set up, but it still wouldn't be complete without this lowest point happening. Darkest before the dawn and all that. Side note: I also miss his dumb purple costume though I do understand that it was very outdated and changing it to be more similar to the movie makes sense. 

Side note: other things I have in common with Hawkeye are we are both cute goofy failbots who can be too mouthy for our own good and who would totally get kidnapped first out of perceived weakness in most situations. You may hereafter call me Hawkeye........not really but if you want to I wouldn't be against it.


biohazardgirl: (Default)

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