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[scene: Newport Beach on Cinco de Cuatro]

NARRATOR: It was May...It was May 4, and in the bayside town of Newport Beach, the annual celebration known as Cinco de Cuatro was underway. The holiday started as a particularly vicious response by a young Lucille Bluth to the Mexican holiday...

[scene: Newport Beach on Cinco de Mayo in the past]

YOUNG LUCILLE: This still isn't made?

NARRATOR:  ...of Cinco de Mayo.

YOUNG GEORGE: No, no, it's not.

YOUNG LUCILLE: Rosa, why is this still a mess?!

YOUNG GEORGE: She said it's, uh, it's Cinco de Mayo. She's taking, uh, the day off.

YOUNG LUCILLE: She said that?

YOUNG GEORGE: Yeah.

YOUNG LUCILLE: She called it Cinco de Mayo?

YOUNG GEORGE: She did, yeah.

YOUNG LUCILLE: Oh, why can't they just call it May 5? This is what I was talking about. It's all part of the Mexican war on May 5.

YOUNG GEORGE: War on May 5, I know, yeah. It is.

YOUNG LUCILLE: It is.

NARRATOR: But even a skeptical George Sr. soon found himself feeling similarly embattled.

YOUNG GEORGE: Where the [bleep] are my socks?!

YOUNG LUCILLE: Now it's not so funny, is it?

YOUNG GEORGE: No, not funny.

YOUNG LUCILLE: We should start our own holiday.

NARRATOR: You see, the Hispanics of Newport liked Cinco a lot, but high up on Coast Highway, Lucille Bluth did not.

YOUNG GEORGE: Doesn't look like they'll be done any time soon.

NARRATOR: And then Lucille had a horrible thought, a thought that was thoughtless and better to not. "What if," she thought with a sneering grin...

YOUNG LUCILLE: Next year what if the party didn't even begin?

NARRATOR: And so began a holiday on the eve of the fifth of May...

[scene: Cinco de Cuatro]

MARIACHI BAND:  The cockroach... 

NARRATOR: ...originally intended to deplete the party supplies the Cinco de Mayo celebrants were relying upon.

PARTIER: Fill the bay with chorizo.

OTHER PARTIER: Chorizo dump!

NARRATOR: Over 30 years, however, it grew and was soon embraced by the Hispanic community...

SELLER: You buy it, you break it!

NARRATOR: ...for financial reasons...and as the celebrations peaked with a boat parade called the Festival of Lights-another phrase they wanted back- one man was about to hit his lowest point.

[sign: MICHAEL BLUTH: Owes $700,000]

MARIACHI BAND:  On the sixth of May... 

LUCILLE 2: Happy Cuatro, happy Cuatro! Let's throw some more taco shells. Olé!

MICHAEL: Sally, can I...? I need to speak to Lucille 2, please.

LUCILLE 2: It's okay, Sally, I'll talk to Michael.

NARRATOR: This is Lucille 2, a longtime patron of the Bluth family.

[sign: LUCILLE 2 (AUSTERO): Owed  $700,000]

SALLY: I'll be downstairs kicking myself for not marrying you so many years ago.

LUCILLE 2: Michael, do you have something for me?

MICHAEL: Does bad news count?

LUCILLE 2: There's that Bluth wit. Oh, I love your family.

NARRATOR: She certainly had demonstrated that with many of the men in the family...

[cutaway: Showstealer Trial Version of LUCILLE 2’s engagements with the Bluth men]

LUCILLE 2: [to GOB] Oh, stop it, you're making me dizzy.

NARRATOR: ...even having fallen for a few, although some of that was the vertigo she suffered from. But not all of it.

MICHAEL:  Dad?

OSCAR: No, no.

NARRATOR: But seriously, she had gotten intimate with Buster and Gob.

[end cutaway]

LUCILLE 2: I need that money I lent you. I am in the middle of a campaign and I am desperate for the ad money.

MICHAEL: You're going to get it. I just need an extension.

LUCILLE 2: Why don't you go to your family?

MICHAEL: I don't need them. What I need is you.

LUCILLE 2: What are you suggesting?

[MICHAEL leans in for a kiss. LUCILLE 2 falls over]

MICHAEL: No. Okay, that was nasty. [he patches up her head]

LUCILLE 2: Aren't you sweet? Thank you.

MICHAEL: Okay. Don't tilt your head, okay?

NARRATOR: And that's when Michael debased himself.

LUCILLE 2: What are you doing?

MICHAEL: I'm gonna have sex with you for money.

[scene: Model Home]

NARRATOR: Later that night, after Michael did something unthinkable, he was looking for a place to hide and he returned to a long neglected model home he believed to be empty.

GOB: Thanks for coming so late, Maria, I know that you won't be cleaning up tomorrow, and we did make quite a mess of that bedroom. Michael.

NARRATOR: This is Michael's brother Gob. Neither had expected to see each other after some recent unpleasantness.

GOB: I didn't expect to be seeing you again after all the unpleasantness.

MICHAEL: I-I've, I've, I've been out of control. Sorry. In fact, I-I just did something that I-I don't, I don't, I don't know why I did it.

GOB: Do you want to talk about it?

MICHAEL: No, I do not, I've said too much already. You cannot help me.

GOB: Well, I wasn't hoping to help. I was hoping to rub it in because of all the unpleasantness.

MICHAEL: Got it.

GOB: Oh, damn it, I meant to throw these in the chipper. God, I'm just not into Cuatro this year.

MICHAEL: I was the one that was wrong, not you, and besides, you could not make me feel worse right now.

GOB: Well, I'd be willing to let you have your apology back if you give me the chance to try. I mean, I'm gonna need some specifics about the thing that you're ashamed of. Otherwise I'll just be taking general potshots. Bad example: if you were ashamed of being in love with a man, suddenly discovered these new feelings, then I might say something like, "Homo much?"

MICHAEL: It's not that.

GOB: I said "Bad example."

MICHAEL: I went to go see Lucille 2 and I just, I just-I lost control. I did something that I wish I could forget. You have got no idea how I feel.

GOB: Well, if you're talking about doing something embarrassing with a woman, then no, I don't.

[cutaway: Showstealer Trial Version of GOB doing all sorts of embarrassing things with women.]

NARRATOR: But he should have. It's almost as if he found a way to simulate amnesia.

[end cutaway]

GOB: Hey, I'm down to my last Forget-Me-Now.

NARRATOR: In fact, that is what he had done.

[cutaway: Mexican Roofie Market during GOB’s Entourage Days]

GOB: Hey, remember me?

NARRATOR: Gob had always taken a pill he called a Forget-Me-Now for that...

MEXICAN ROOFIE SELLER: No más.

GOB: ¿No más?

NARRATOR: ...but was commonly known as a roofie.

[end cutaway]

GOB: There's only one left. How could that possibly be? Unless... John Beard Jr.

MICHAEL: I don't need to get into it. I came here because I thought the house was empty, but I can go somewhere else, okay?

GOB: Hey, listen, Michael, if you want, we can split this.

MICHAEL: No, I feel like this is something that I shouldn't forget, okay, and believe me, this is the last time I ever judge you for anything that you ever do. Oh,. Is that who you were with? I knew it, I always knew it.

GOB: Take this, Michael, forget, forget.

MICHAEL: No, no, no, no, no.

GOB: Put the mask back on. Forget this, Michael. Forget, forget, Michael.

MICHAEL: Gob.

GOB: Forget, now is the time to forget. Now you're forgetting. Now you're forgetting.

MICHAEL: God.

GOB:  It's so easy to forget... It's so easy to forget.  Stupid, forgetful Michael.

[scene: opening credits]

NARRATOR: Now, the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled and the one son who had no choice but to keep himself together. It's Michael's...Arrested Development.

[scene: GM dorm room]

NARRATOR: Six months before the Forget-Me-Now, Michael had made good on a long-standing threat to go to Phoenix, and even though the Phoenix he went to was online, he still enjoyed the full college experience by living in a dorm room while doing so.

MICHAEL: George Michael, what is my log-on password again?

NARRATOR: Unfortunately it was his son's dorm room at the University of California at Irvine.

GM: Dad, come on, what have we said is the most important thing?

MICHAEL: I have tried "family." It does not work for me.

GM: No, privacy.

NARRATOR: This is Michael's son George Michael-a nice kid.

GM: Uh, no one should have your password but you. I shouldn't even know it.

MICHAEL: You've made that point.

GM: Have I?

[scene: MICHAEL and GM sharing a shower uncomfortably]

MICHAEL: My point is, we have no secrets from each other. We know everything there is to know about each other. We're like twins.

GM: I don't see us as twins.

MICHAEL: Yeah? You name me one way in which we're different.

GM: I think you tend to be better at feeling like you belong places.

MICHAEL: Do I?

[scene: campus]

 MICHAEL: I want you to start feeling like you belong places. Look at that guy. He thinks he's a musician. You know, like, you've got to start having a little bit better sense of humor about yourself. Look at me. People say I don't age. You know, like, "Hey, look at that guy. He's got the hair of a teenager." And I say, "Take your best shot" because I think that that's a good thing because I'm self-effacing. Hmm? I want you to be able to do that.

GM: Well, it's hard to be self-effacing when you're a perfect specimen of rugged manlessness.

MICHAEL: Well, you can't hear this, but, but we're gonna work on it. That's why I'm living in your dorm.

GM: Well, I thought you were living here because you had nowhere else to go.

MICHAEL: Yeah, and because of the fact you had this big double room all to yourself because of your name.

NARRATOR: The name George Michael did create confusion in the campus housing office.

[cutaway: housing office]

TWIN 1: This guy's name is actually George Michael.

TWIN 2: No, it's two different guys. They're twins, ugly.

BOTH TWINS: We should sign them up for Twin Club.

TWIN 2: And let's give them the big handicap room.

[end cutaway]

GM: Yeah, you see, that's the other thing, is that I kind of wanted to use this time to almost kind of, you know, wean off of the name George Michael.

MICHAEL: What?

GM: I don't know, you know, you get older, you do a something search of your own name...

NARRATOR: In George Michael's case, you find this.

[cutaway: News with John Beard]

JOHN BEARD: It was in this men's room in--get this-- Beverly Hills that singer George Michael was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover cop.

[end cutaway]

MICHAEL: Well, it was your mother's idea to call you George Michael, you know, and I think it was just so that we didn't confuse you with your Uncle George or your Grandfather George.

GM: Right.

MICHAEL: I got it, let's call you Boy George.

[cutaway: Wee BBC News]

REPORTER: Singer Boy George in the news again today, this time for sexual assault in a men's public bathroom. Beatrix Hebberly-Sneed, Wee BBC 2.

[end cutaway]

[scene: GM’s room]

GM: You know, I think I'll, I'll just--I'll stick with George Michael. I mean, at least it was consensual. But I guess the, uh, the bigger point I'm making is just that, uh, it's hard to have any privacy now that they've stuck me with an actual roommate.

MICHAEL: Well, you know, listen, I'm all for kicking P-Hound out, you know that.

GM: Well, you know, I didn't really mean privacy from him.

MICHAEL: I know, I know, I know. You want your space from me? Um, look, listen, hey, hey, look, look, listen. Listen, look it. Are you listening? You want your space. I'm gonna be right back on top. You know what? This is your school rally shirt. You know, same size--medium. Do you know where mine is? We wear the same size like twi...We're just like twin--couple of identical...

GM: Dad, Dad, no, I...Look, I was not talking about privacy from you per se. I was talking about my software.

MICHAEL: What's that?

GM: It's privacy software. That's why the word came up.

NARRATOR: It's not why the word came up. But George Michael was writing code for a block software with his roommate that was proving challenging.

[cutaway: Fakeblock Creation]

GM: ...you're leaving a hole just right in the middle of the block.

NARRATOR: Both because of online threats

to his privacy...

P-HOUND: Otherwise, people will be able to hack in through a mobile platform portal, and it won't be a block anything 3G.

NARRATOR: ...and some in-room threats to his privacy, as well.

MICHAEL: Buddy, is that schoolwork?

GM: No, we're just right in the middle of this software.

MICHAEL: Great, good. Give me the lappy. I'll hit save for you. I got to Skype with my advisor in Phoenix, and if I don't get on right now, he's gonna have to Skype me from a T.G.I. Friday's.

[end cutaway]

MICHAEL: Oh.

GM: Yeah.

MICHAEL: Whew. 'Cause that hurt for a second. I was like, he wants me to go.

GM:  No, no, no, no, no.

MICHAEL: But no. Yeah? No.

GM: Software. No. I mean, yeah, I may need some privacy, you know, to work on it, and that might mean...you going.

MICHAEL: Oh, you mean here. Yeah, clearing out. An hour, here, there. Yes? Got it. Not a problem. You give me a little fair warning, I clear right out of here. Let's schedule it now. We can do it. I need help with the calendar though. It's, like, stuck on 2003. Help me just break into...

GM: You just hit "today." The "today" button.

MICHAEL: Sorry. It's stuck in 2003, so I don't have "today." I need to jump forward...

GM: No, I know, there's a button that says "today."

MICHAEL: Yeah, this has no button.

GM: Anyway, you know, I'm just gonna run downstairs and, uh, grab a bite.

MICHAEL: Wait, I want to go. Let me go. I'll go. I'm hungry. Come on.

[scene: quad]

NARRATOR: Michael Bluth was fitting right in with his son's college experience.

MICHAEL: Be good for you, huh? Gettable, right? Hey, tell me about the software thing. This is the Faceblock thing you were working on? Is it like Facebook?

GM: Uh, well, no. It's kind of the opposite of Facebook, you know. Facebook connects you with everyone, this blocks you from everyone.

MICHAEL: Oh, okay. Kind of like the antisocial network, right?

GM: That's very good.

MICHAEL: You can use it. I don't understand the Internet stuff. You give me all the parts and you tell me to build a television set, I can bang that out, but I, you know, I can't get the right day to display on my calendar.

GM: Just press "today."

MICHAEL: Yeah, just tried that. Doesn't work on mine, pal. This is very, very, very exciting, you know, because once they come out with that article on me in that in-flight magazine, now, the family's gonna be right back on top. The guy's doing a whole spread on me.

GM: In-flight magazine?

MICHAEL: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's called Altitude. It's for OutWest Airlines. Next to SkyMall, it's, like, the number two most read in all of coach. Well, three with the safety card, but get a lot of attention for Sudden Valley. And then with your Internet company, it's gonna be like--we're gonna have two businesses, you know? And yours sounds like such a natural. I mean, no one likes to share their identity. Right?

GM: Well...

MICHAEL: Okay, give me your meal plan card. I'm gonna run in there, I'm gonna grab a tray, you run around back, make sure you get there in time, before my hand stamp dries. Okay? Here we go.

[scene: rewind of time followed by the showstealer trial version of the sinking of the Queen Mary]

NARRATOR: Michael had a right to be excited. It had been many years since the Bluth family had had any business success. Not since Michael's mother Lucille had sold off a quarter of the company just before the onset of the great dark period. But after examining the company's prospects...

GOB: Are those police boats?

STAN SITWELL: Lucille 2.

NARRATOR: ...Stan Sitwell quickly divested himself.

STAN SITWELL: How'd you like to be bumped up to Lucille 1?

NARRATOR: So the Bluth family had a new stakeholder, while the old one, who knew she'd be implicated in some of the family's misdeeds...

LUCILLE: You boys know how to shovel coal?

NARRATOR: ...headed out on whatever the opposite of a maiden voyage is. Michael, however, made a pledge not to get pulled into the drama and to let the family keep themselves all together,

MICHAEL: for a while.

NARRATOR:  ...for a while. And he set off to sea, even as his mother mysteriously turned back.

JOHN BEARD: Why the alleged ship-jacker changed direction is still unexplained. But what is known is that many of the charges against this seaward matriarch will fall under the dominion of the little understood maritime law.

NARRATOR: And soon, the hearing drew near...

[scene: family meeting]

BARRY: Well, I missed the hearing.

NARRATOR: ...and then passed.

BARRY: Oh, it just snuck up on me, and then they called, and they wanted me there at eight bells. You know, I thought that was their 5:00 p.m. By the time I got back, the courtroom was reverted back to the crab restaurant.

MICHAEL: "Eight bells" refers to a watch length. It's maritime law.

NARRATOR: Yes, Michael returned after all.

MICHAEL: You know, one bell is struck after 30 minutes, two bells...

NARRATOR: It seems Michael had been interested in maritime law since playing a lawyer in an original school play titled The Trial of Captain Hook.

[cutaway: The Trial of Captain Hook]

MICHAEL:  You're a crook, Captain Hook, Judge won’t you throw the book at the pirate. . .

NARRATOR: Prior to this, his only dream had been to possess the power of flight. But that one turned out to be not as much fun as he thought.

YOUNG ACTOR 1: Watch out for the seal! Loose seal! Loose seal!

LUCILLE: I'm watching! [She is not, and, in fact, has been doing her makeup the entire time.]

DIRECTOR: You're out of the play!

[end cutaway]

MICHAEL: That's why, at sea, a watch with no incidents is described as "eight bells and all is well."

BARRY: Wow, maybe you should be the maritime lawyer.

MICHAEL: This is what I've been saying. Because I did go to law school with an emphasis on maritime law.

LUCILLE: Oh, your one year of law school is going to beat Barry's three? It's ridiculous. We'll hire the best.

MICHAEL: And who's gonna pay for the best, Mom?

LUCILLE: We have money from selling some shares. Plus, we got that stimulus package.

GEORGE SR.: What are you talking about? That money is spent. I just bought 4,000 acres of California desert.

MICHAEL: Time-out. Hang on. What's this?

GEORGE SR.:  Yeah. I'm gonna be moving there for a little while. Old big bear's not gonna be around much anymore.

MICHAEL: I don't care about that.

LUCILLE: He's in denial. We're getting divorced!

GEORGE SR.: Your mother and I are getting a divorce.

MICHAEL: I want to know...I want to know about the stimulus package. You couldn't use any of that money to finish Sudden Valley?

GEORGE SR.: You don't consider that finished?

[short cutaway: the model home, all alone on its hill]

LUCILLE: So the family got a little stimmy. Don't make a federal case out of it.

MICHAEL: That is exactly what they're going to make out of it. And when you say "family," you mean our family? They've already got their hooks in it? Buster, no offense.

BUSTER: None taken. Oh, I keep losing my jewels.

GEORGE SR.: Michael, you never accept help from anyone. That's why we didn't cut you in. We didn't want to demean you.It's like tipping an African-American. You wouldn't tip an African-American, would you?

MICHAEL: Of course I would.

GEORGE SR.: On a train?

MICHAEL: What...Did you know about all this?

BARRY: No, I've been tipping them. Even a waiter?

AFRICAN AMERICAN REPAIRMAN: Okay, the treadmill's up and running. We got the door on, and we were able to match the faux on the paint.

GEORGE SR.: Thank you so much for your hard work.

LUCILLE: [whispered]So long.

GEORGE SR.: Michael, we can't give you that money. We got to keep you clean. You're the key witness in your mother's trial.

MICHAEL: Let me get this straight. I still have to do all the work as the president of the company, but I can't use any of the money for the company, and you won't let me help with your case, but you'd still like for me to testify at your trial. Is that right?

LUCILLE: I just want you to say I was a loving mother.

MICHAEL: And now perjury.

GEORGE SR: Hey, it wasn't easy to get Lucille 2 to keep you on as president.

MICHAEL: I'll be sure to thank her.

LUCILLE: Don't thank her. She doesn't have enough shares to stop us.

MICHAEL: Hmm.

NARRATOR: And that's how Michael found a way to finish Sudden Valley himself.

[scene: outside of Lucille 2’s penthouse]

MICHAEL: Hello.

LUCILLE 2: Hello.

NARRATOR: He simply traded his shares of the Bluth company to Lucille 2.

MICHAEL: I hold on to Sudden Valley; it's like a pet project...

NARRATOR: Getting himself out,

MICHAEL: Thank you so much.

NARRATOR: and giving the balance of power to a woman who had no power of balance.

LUCILLE 2: Oh.

NARRATOR: And for the first time, he didn't feel he needed to tell his family he was done with them. But he did anyway.

MICHAEL: You know what, I am done with this family. I hope you've saved some money, 'cause you're gonna need every dime now. What's this?

NARRATOR: And with his newfound wealth, Michael was not only able to send his son off

[scene: GM driving away with the staircar]

MICHAEL: Get out of here!

NARRATOR: to a bright future in college, with the family car...he was also able to finish the long-delayed housing development Sudden Valley, but this time, under his own company name.

[scene: Sudden Valley]

MICHAEL: Maybe I can give you a tip. Might want to put a road up to this place.

WORKER: Well, we paved the neighborhood. Just waiting for the city to build a road to it.

NARRATOR: And although his mother's day in court was something both he and his college-bound son would miss, [short cutaway: GM and MICHAEL’s empty seats at trial] Michael truly felt that nothing could go wrong. And then something did. [earthquake]Not that. That happens all the time. This.

[scene: Model Home]

JOHN BEARD: The collapse of the California housing market is taking a personal toll with cutbacks here at the station.

NARRATOR: And since the main Internet and information cable had been severed when the community pool was installed, Michael suddenly found himself living in a ghost town he himself built.

MICHAEL: [referring to a vulture] Well, that's not a great sign. [banner: Sitwell Homesteads: 16 Luxury Homes-We Have Cable/Paved Road Right To Your Door!] This is why you don't confide in a competitor.

NARRATOR: Michael was desperate to cover his copious building costs...

[scene: LUCILLE 2’s penthouse]

MICHAEL: Just till I get on my feet.

NARRATOR: ...so he returned to a woman he could count on to put off his downfall.

LUCILLE 2: I got you!

NARRATOR: Just as he could count on her putting him off and falling down.

MICHAEL: You did. Bye-bye.

LUCILLE 2: Oop.

MICHAEL: That's a hot mess.

NARRATOR: But weeks stretched into months, and the situation got bleaker. And it was either this that made him lose hope...

[MICHAEL kicks a tumbleweed through the model home]

[scene: Sudden Valley. Pete the mailman dies]

PETE: [collapsing, gasping] Love each other.

MICHAEL: Pete! Pete!

NARRATOR: ...or possibly it was the death of that mailman...

MICHAEL: Wait here. Hang on, Pete!

NARRATOR: ...but Michael finally gave up.

MICHAEL: I got one bar!

NARRATOR: And having alienated everyone else in the family, turned to the one person he had left.

[scene: GM’s dorm room]

MICHAEL: I thought we'd have Thanksgiving here for your senior year.

GM: I don't have a kitchen.

MICHAEL: Oh, these are my clothes. Pete died.

GM: God.

NARRATOR: And so Michael moved into his son's college dorm room.

MICHAEL: You are kidding me. They're gonna be in seat backs today? That is great news.

NARRATOR: Which, in the new economy, wasn't as unusual a phenomenon as you might think.

TRANG: Don't go through my stuff, Granddad.

GRANDFATHER: Hey, who do you think paid for your stuff?

MICHAEL: Excuse me. Sorry. Do you know where George Michael is?

TRANG: Um, he's in the computer lab.

MICHAEL: Great. There's a computer lab?

GRANDFATHER: There's a computer lab?

MICHAEL: Huh.

[scene: computer lab]

GM: I'm putting up a wall. We need to rework our whole system here.

MICHAEL: Sounds like you guys are working on your privacy software, huh?

GM: Hey. How'd you find me?

MICHAEL: Uh, Trang's grandfather. Boy, shoot me if I'm 86, living in my grandson's dorm, huh? Pal, good news. The article that they did on me in Altitude magazine comes out today.

P-HOUND: You're in Attitude? That magazine is gay.

NARRATOR: Oh, he wasn't being flip with the word "gay." Attitude is a British magazine for homosexuals. [cutaway: picture of Attitude magazine]

MICHAEL: Altitude. It is OutWest Airlines' in-flight magazine.

GM: Can I see it?

P-HOUND: Probably doesn't have it. Try finding a flight at this time of the year.

MICHAEL: You ever even been on a plane, you piece of [bleep]?

GM: So can I see it?

MICHAEL: It-it is not in the terrestrial newsstands just yet. Guess what though. You, my friend, are in the article.

GM: I'm in it?

MICHAEL: You're in it, you're in it. I mentioned you; I mentioned that I'm living in your dorm. I thought that it might help with your popularity problem.

P-HOUND: Well, I'm gonna get going while the room is empty, so...

GM: Okay. Great. See you later.

MICHAEL: Boy, that's got to drive you crazy, right? The whole reason you had to come to the computer lab was for privacy. It's no wonder you can't get a real girl up there.

NARRATOR: Michael was referring to something he'd walked in on a few days earlier.

[cutaway: GM’s dorm room]

P-HOUND: There's a girl in there.

MICHAEL: There is? Where the hell is George Michael? Excuse me. Hello. Oh.

GM: Dad. Hi.

MICHAEL: Yeah.There's nobody in here. Buddy, bad news. P-Hound is yanking our chain again.

MAEBY: Uncle Michael.

MICHAEL: Oh, my God. Hi.

MAEBY: Hello there.

MICHAEL: There is a kind of girl here. Didn't say it was your cousin.

GM: Well, he doesn't know.

MICHAEL: Now, that's smart. Let him think there's a girl in here.

GM: Actually, we've been talking about how crowded that room is, and P-Hound was suggesting that maybe we, maybe we do a vote to see who stays in the dorm room.

MICHAEL: He suggested that? Are you serious?

GM: Well, the thing is that the room is only sanctioned for two.

MICHAEL: Right, and we have a vote. He's gone in two seconds. Ah. Two against one, right?

GM: Well, actually...

MICHAEL:  We got to do it.

GM: The thing is that it kind of puts me in an awkward position.

MAEBY: Hi.

GM: Hey. Because since there's only three people voting, everyone's gonna know who voted against who.

MICHAEL: Well, what about if your "girlfriend" wants to move in. That way, she gets a vote.

MAEBY: I'm just here for tutoring.

GM: She's not my girlfriend, she's my cousin.

MAEBY: I'm not attracted to him.

GM: Well, why's that even an issue?

MICHAEL: P-Hound doesn't know any of that stuff. Okay? He'll just think that her vote's the vote that got him out.

GM: Well, wouldn't my girlfriend want to get rid of my father?

MAEBY: I'm not your girlfriend.

MICHAEL: Not your girlfriend.

GM: No, but he doesn't know that.

MICHAEL: No, well, someone's got to vote for me, that's right. Otherwise, it's suspicious. We don't want a palace coup, right?

GM: Well, I'll vote you out.

MAEBY: Yeah, I will.

GM: Happy to do it.

MICHAEL: I wouldn't make you do that. You know, then I fall down a flight of stairs, I crack my head open, you feel bad about yourself your whole life.

NARRATOR: And perhaps it was the chair that fooled Michael into thinking his next idea was a good one.

MICHAEL: What if I vote myself out?

GM: You'd do that? How would that help?

MICHAEL: It's simple algebra. You two vote against P-Hound, nobody knows who did what, because there's a vote against me in there, and it's adios, brothiero. It cannot fail.

NARRATOR: Michael was pleased with his plan.

MAEBY: Won't that make it a tie?

NARRATOR: Briefly.

MICHAEL: Hmm?

GM: I mean, if the two of us vote against P-Hound, and you and P-Hound vote against you, then it's two against two, right?

MICHAEL: Wow, you think, you think that'd he'd vote against me?

GM: I mean...Um...

MICHAEL: All right, new plan.

NARRATOR: The details of the plan continued to develop through lunch.

[scene: lunch]

MICHAEL: It's either two votes against P-Hound, one vote against Maeby, one against me, with that vote being my own; or if it's two votes against me, then clearly P-Hound is being nasty, that triggers a recount, and then it's a P-Hound blitz. We all vote against P-Hound, he's gone.

GM: Mm-hmm.

MAEBY: What if whoever loses

MICHAEL: Yeah?

MAEBY: Refuses to go?

MICHAEL: You think P-Hound would do that? Okay, new plan.

NARRATOR: And so the planning continued through what should have been organic chemistry.

[scene: quad]

MICHAEL: We all pack ahead of time, really pack a bag, so it doesn't look rigged, you know? And then the loser, straight out the door. I mean, that's-that's the deal. You know, that's the cost of having a vote, that's the price of freedom.

GM: You know, maybe it's maybe it's better if we're all just direct with each other, you know? Just-just say what's on our minds.

MAEBY: Yeah, I think it's gonna come out anyway.

GM: Um, Dad, you know, I-I've really loved living with you. . .

MICHAEL: No talking. No talking once the votes come in. You're just right out the door. That's the missing piece. That's it. This plan is foolproof. Oh, I've cherished this, too, pal.

GM: Yeah.

MICHAEL: I mean, how many, how many fathers get to go to college with their kid, huh?

[scene: GM’s dorm room]

NARRATOR: So obviously this is what happened. Michael read his own vote first.

MICHAEL: First vote to remove Michael. Huh, what are you gonna do? Second vote to remove Michael.

NARRATOR: Michael expected this, but didn't expect the sting.

MICHAEL: Wow. Obviously, if there's a tie, there's an immediate runoff. Third vote to remove Michael. Did you mean to write "George Michael"?

NARRATOR: Obviously, the verdict was in. And it's hard to know exactly why Michael opened the fourth ballot. Was it out of hope or confusion? Either way, it couldn't be what he wanted to read.

[note reads: Da Michael. MICHAEL looks heartbroken, but cannot speak as the rest of the people shake their heads when he opens his mouth. He silently gathers his things.]

NARRATOR: Michael did the only thing he could think of that would save face.

[he puts his hand in the prayer position, and bows his way out. “Christmastime Is Here” plays over his leaving]

NARRATOR: Michael had just been stunned by some bad news. And with nowhere to go, he decided to pick up a copy of Altitude to lift his spirits.

[scene: airport]

MICHAEL: Hi.

WORKER 1: Hello.

MICHAEL: Hey.

WORKER 1: Where you heading today, sir?

MICHAEL: Well, actually, I just wanted a copy of your in-flight magazine Altitude.

WORKER 1: Ah, this is ticketing. You can get the magazine on the flight.

MICHAEL: I get it. But I'm actually-- I'm in the magazine.

WORKER 1: How many bags?

MICHAEL: Oh, I'm not checking these.

WORKER 1: Ah, sorry, you actually can't carry those on board.

MICHAEL: Let me start over. Uh, I-I am the star of Altitude magazine this month-- or quarter, actually. It's an April-September issue, and I just wanted to get a copy. I'm not flying anywhere.

WORKER 1: Why do you have suitcases?

MICHAEL: Those are irrelevant.

WORKER 1: Not to me.

MICHAEL: Okay. I was mistakenly voted out of a four-person housing situation, uh, in a pack-first, no-talking-after scenario. Does that clear it up for you?

WORKER 1: What do you mean by "mistakenly"?

MICHAEL: I voted against myself to spare my son the embarrassment of, of having to vote his own father out of his dorm. That's all.

WORKER 2: But that leaves three other votes.

MICHAEL: Yeah. Can I get a copy of the magazine, please?

WORKER 1: No, I'm sorry, they're actually for passengers. We don't even give out honey nuts, so we're not gonna - give you a magazine.

WORKER 3: Who wants honey nuts?

MICHAEL: I don't want the honey nuts. I want to just jump onto the plane, - grab a magazine.

WORKER 3: Oh, okay, yeah, sure, we just, uh, let people walk onto the plane all the time. Do you want a box cutter also?

WORKER 1: Oh.

WORKER 2: Nice.

HONEY NUT SCALPER: These guys are jerks. Take that, take that. Enjoy.

MICHAEL: Tell you what-- give me a one- way ticket to your cheapest destination, please.

WORKER 3: Oh, you lucked out.Today it's Pittsburgh.

WORKER 2: He's good.

MICHAEL: What's the second cheapest?

NARRATOR: So Michael ended up spending a little more to fly a little less, and after some confusion at security. . .

[scene: airport security]

SECURITY: But you've got nothing in your luggage.

MICHAEL: I wasn't supposed to be traveling today. I told you, it was a voting situation, there was a miscalculation.

SECURITY: Well, I mean, obviously P-Hound's gonna vote against you.

MICHAEL: I've never seen nothing - These three people with burkas just walked right by you.

[scene: airplane]

NARRATOR: . . .he found his seat. Unfortunately the seat he was assigned didn't have a seat back pocket.

MICHAEL: Hello, hi, does each ticket entitle the passenger to an in-flight magazine?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: No, it only guarantees you a seat. Perhaps I can ask another passenger for one, or if I'd rather, you can.

NARRATOR: Michael had to go back four seats before someone would. And Michael kicked himself for a pose he thought would express humility to Sanjiv, the Altitude photographer. And so Michael-- a man who'd for years threatened to leave his family but had always stayed for his son, a man who no longer had that excuse nor anywhere to live-- found himself with nothing to lose in a town that he'd always imagined would be his destiny, and for the first time in many years, Michael had hope.

[scene:Phoenix]

NARRATOR: On the next Arrested Development Michael steps out of the air-conditioned airport.

MICHAEL: Hope you know a good place to live because I'm. . . Ooh, dear Lord. 'Cause I'm looking - to make a new start.

CAB DRIVER: Don't touch that handle.

MICHAEL: Whoa, Mother of God! Dear Lord! Whoo!

NARRATOR: And Michael returns to the only viable place he can think of to live. . .

[scene: penthouse hallway]

MICHAEL: [in relation to a red-headed woman getting on the elevator]Gentlemen, start your engines.

NARRATOR:. . .where he begins his new life cleaning up after his family's old one.

[He opens the door to a trashed penthouse.]

MICHAEL: Buster.No no, Gob. [He is bowled over by an ostrich.]Oh!

NARRATOR: It was Lindsay. 

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