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[personal profile] biohazardgirl
 Exactly what it says on the tin. Anything below is subject to revision etc.

[scene: Hollywood Boulevard outside of And Jeremy Piven’s]

NARRATOR: Hollywood Boulevard at night is the playground of the hip, young and successful. It was into this world that Gob Bluth had finally arrived, surrounded for the first time in his life by a group of admirers that comprised L.A.'s latest young elite. There was Mark, a pop star who had a level of fame he could neither appreciate nor handle. Trout, a Southern boy who had a Northern man's taste in women. J.B.J., a weekend weatherman, all-week party boy and a huge disappointment to his father. Chris K, who was a lot like Trout, but without the accent. Oakwood, a studio teacher, who might have had his own entourage, his part hadn't been cut from the pilot of Modern Family. And, of course, there was the man they called Getaway. Gob had come far in the year since his girlfriend, was less than an hour from turning 18. Let me run the clock down on this thing.

[scene: GOB’s yacht]

GOB: Why don't you just go change into something a little less...unflattering, and... I'll, uh...

NARRATOR: And he was getting everyone in the mood for romance.

GOB: Guess I'll take my clothes off.

NARRATOR: While Ann less-unflattered herself up, Gob had an unexpected visitor-Ann's ex-boyfriend George Michael, who, as it turned out, hadn't completely let go of the relationship.

ANN: [shrieking]

GOB: You're lucky that I'm chasing after our girlfriend, or I'd have to flatten you! Whew! Way to plant, Ann.

ANN: You told me George Michael knew about us.

GOB: Well, he does now, my darling plant.

ANN: Ann.

GOB: And...after I dazzle everyone tonight on the Queen Mary, my magic career will take off as surely as there's a mouse behind your ear.

ANN:  [screams]

GOB: Well, as surely as there's a mouse behind your ear.

 ANN: [screams]

GOB:  Mouse behind...

ANN: [screams]

GOB: Okay, you are like the only person I know who doesn't just love magic.

NARRATOR: A poll would confirm she was far from alone.

[cutaway: An office with a television that has the news on.  ANDY RICHTER is inside it and sitting on the couch]

JOHN BEARD: [on the TV]...for the fifth year in a row, your least favorite entertainers are...magicians. A close second, talk show side-kicks.

ANDY RICHTER: Hmph! (bleep) you, too, America ...'cause I quit.

[end cutaway]

ANN: Well, you have to make things right with George Michael, otherwise you don't get to fourth base.

NARRATOR: Of course, Ann's concept of fourth base...

[cutaway: a picture of Jesus.]

NARRATOR: ...was very different than Gob's.

[cutaway: a picture of a dirty, half naked jockey.]

ANN: But you have to promise me you'll always be faithful.

GOB: Faithful? Of course I can be faithful.

ANN: Until tonight, when we're together, you know...

GOB: Oh! Until tonight! Well, of course I can be faithful-- don't be stupid. You think I can't keep it in my pants in front of a bunch of doggy old women and my family? Don't be stupid. Who am I gonna hit on, stupid? My sister? Lindsay? Don't be stupid. She's my sister; that's gross. Now...you...have got some mice to scoop out of the sea.

[scene: Opening Title]

NARRATOR: Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly canceled, and the one son who had no choice but to keep himself together. It's Gob's Arrested Development.

[scene: The Queen Mary: Showstealer Trial Version]

NARRATOR: On the day of the Queen Mary party, Gob remained faithful to Ann, even in the face of tremendous temptation. [in relation to him hitting on Lindsay] Unrelated. But there would be. . .

PASSENGERS: (screaming)

NARRATOR: . . . no career-making magic show. It seemed the only "her" Gob would be getting off that day was the Queen Mary. But then the Queen changed course, heading back to shore before crashing into the jetty and leaving most of its occupants all wet.

[scene: The aftermath of the Queen Mary sinking.]

GOB: I want all of these on the insurance form, okay? These are all part of an act I was going to do. Two drowned white doves, for "flowers to doves." This was a rabbit, for "doves to rabbit"-- also drowned. These were mice...

TOBIAS: For "rabbit to mice."

GOB: No, that can't be done. No, these were part of a something I called "Mice-a-laneous." "Mouse in purse." "Mouse in drink." "Here's a mouse, now it's gone."

TOBIAS: How'd he do dat?

NARRATOR: But it was another man that Gob needed to make things right with...

GOB: George Michael...

NARRATOR: ...if he was ever going to deflower Ann Veal.

G-M: Uncle Gob.

GOB: Are we good?

G-M:  [sighs] [voice breaking] No. No, how could we possibly be?

GOB: But... but are we, are we good?

G-M: No! You stole my girlfriend.

GOB: That's a tough thing, and, you know, sometimes you have to ask yourself: "Are we good?"

G-M: Is it over between you guys?

GOB: Oh, no. But are we good?

G-M: I don't know what you want to hear from me, Uncle Gob. I mean, yes, we are good...

GOB: There it is! There it is! Ah, from a nephew to his uncle, and just the "yes," the much-wanted "yes," that he gets. Look at you, full of "yes." Look at how much "yes" is in you! I knew it! I knew I'd get that "yes" from you. Look who got a "yes"! Got my "yes."

NARRATOR: And Gob realized that there was finally nothing standing in the way of a loving, committed relationship with Ann.

 [In the background: "The Sound Of Silence" intro plays - Hello, darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with... ♪]

[scene: ANN’s bedroom]

NARRATOR: So, that night, as he broke into her house to break up with her...

GOB: [startled shout]

ANN: Gob...!

GOB: [pointing at a painting of Jesus] For a second, I thought that was a real guy. So, listen, I talked to George-Michael and everything's cool. I need to tell you something, though. I've been doing some thinking and I... I just don't...

NARRATOR: But as she unzipped her pajamas, it reminded him of past situations in which he'd successfully been aroused. Well, I could wait till after.

[light switch clicks]

[scene: ANN’s kitchen]

NARRATOR: And later, Gob once again tried to find a compassionate way to end the relationship.

ANN: So how did you like your egg?

GOB: I said you were fine.

ANN: So, was there something you wanted to talk about when you came in through my window? Gob, what is it?

GOB: What... what... is it? I... [laughs] You...It's the-the-the-the-the...the-the questions...you ask so many...of these, of these, of these, these-these questions that-that-that-that you keeping asking for me...for-for-for-for...should-should-should...should I, should I, should I? Should-should-should the, should the, should the, should-should the guy, should the guy, should the guy in the... should the guy in the...in the $32... in the $32 pink...bath-bath-bath-bath...Should-should-should-should...should the girl in the $6,000 tuxedo...

NARRATOR: Gob was uncomfortable with the question.

GOB: ...should-should-should...in the $32...in the $3,400... should the guy, come on... come on... Let's, let's, let's... Come on... [sobbing]...come on, come on...

ANN: Gob! Calm down! Listen, we had a great night together. I understand if you need your freedom.

GOB: Well... marry me.

ANN: Yes, I'll...yes, I'll marry you, Gob!

NARRATOR: Of course, Gob meant it in the showbizzy way his niece had always used when she was accused of being too young.

[cutaway: Showstealer Trial Version of clips of Maeby the movie executive]

MOVIE PERSON: What, are you, like, 15?

MAEBY: Marry me! -...marry me! ...marry me! And may I add: marry me ...marry me.

[end cutaway]

NARRATOR: But like many evangelicals, Ann took it literally.

ANN: I'm getting married!

 [ANN’s family screams happily and laughs. They pile on top of GOB.]

NARRATOR: Gob was surrounded by unconditional love from a family, for the first time in his life.

[background music: Hello, darkness, my old friend... ♪]

GOB: I've made a huge mistake.

[scene: family meeting/graduation party]

NARRATOR: Gob shared his happy news at a meeting with his family.

MICHAEL: I'm sure Gob helped himself to the money.

GOB: Hey, I got mouths to feed.

MICHAEL: Mouths?

GOB: Mouth. Her.

MICHAEL: Oh, hey, mouth. I didn't see you sitting there.

ANN: We rode up in the elevator together.

MICHAEL: I'm blanking.

GOB: Yeah, me and Blank are getting the old Christian magic act back together. I mean, you don't expect people to actually believe that I'm Jesus, if I'm walking around in rags.

MICHAEL: You're resurrecting that mumbo-jumbo?

GOB: Look, everybody's got a gimmick. Tony Wonder's making a fortune with that gay magician act.

[cutaway: Attitude Magazine’s article on Tony Wonder entitled “I’m Here, I’m Queer, and Now I’m Over Here.”]

NARRATOR: Gob's long-time nemesis had come out of the closet and used it to great advantage in his act.

GOB: Besides, I have to do something for the wedding.

MICHAEL: Who's getting married?

GOB: Her!

MICHAEL: Who's marrying her?

GOB: Me. Did I not open with that?

MICHAEL: You sure didn't.

GOB: Yeah, I'm getting married! [gasping] I didn't want to make a big deal about it.

MICHAEL: You haven't.

GOB: Well, my wedding's going to be religious-y and epic and expensive, which is why I need more of that stimmy-mummy. Thanks, Mike.

NARRATOR: And perhaps it was all the talk of spirituality that led to this.

[Scene: And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You]

AUDIENCE: [applause]

FATHER MARSALA: And welcome to And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You.

PASTOR VEAL: Excuse me, Father Marsala, I hate to interrupt, but I am so excited today. My lovely Ann...

FATHER MARSALA: Who?

PASTOR VEAL:  My daughter.

FATHER MARSALA: Oh. I didn't know you had a daughter.

PASTOR VEAL: You've met her several times.

FATHER MARSALA: Oh.

PASTOR VEAL: She's sitting right next to you.

FATHER MARSALA: Oh! That's why she's there. I thought you were Hair.

PASTOR VEAL: Hair? No, she's my daughter, and she's getting married! To this good man.

AUDIENCE: [applause]

FATHER MARSALA: Well, and as it is such, so also as such is it unto you, young man.

GOB: You got it. Unto you, as well...dear f... heavenly fathers.

FATHER MARSALA: Well, we have a really great show today surrounding the Scriptures...

GOB: We have an announcement to make. I have an announcement to make: that we would like to televise our marriage, here on this show.

AUDIENCE: [applause]

FATHER MARSALA: My goodness. Oh, um... we hadn't heard of it. Did you...?

PASTOR VEAL: Well, no, but that's... no...

FATHER MARSALA: What an idea. I think...Well, this show is about the spirit of inclusion, so I would love to say...Well, great!

GOB: Then I, too, have an announcement to make! At our wedding, I will be performing one of my famous magical illusions. That once your eyes have beholden it, you will put no god before me, because of its spectacularity. And, of course, I only propose to do this out of love for...

ANN: Ann.

GOB: And... God. Love for and God. Let me pray. Dearest beloved gods...

[scene: Model Home]

NARRATOR: Gob was feeling bolder, which was perhaps why Michael returned home to find this.

GOB: [inside boulder] And yea, as if to be arisen the third or fourth day with all the magic of Jesus Christ!

[MICHAEL kicks the boulder down the stairs with GOB still inside it]

MICHAEL: Sorry. Wasn't on there too good.

GOB: [grunting, groaning]

MICHAEL: You okay?

GOB: Yeah, it's just part of my...illusion for the wedding.

MICHAEL: Yeah, what's the illusion? That you actually love the bride?

GOB: Hey...that's good patter. 'Cause I need people to root for the Jesus character.

MICHAEL: I don't remember a biblical passage where Jesus came out of a boulder-is it in there?

GOB: Oh, no, no, no, the boulder's my escape plan. They think I'm somewhere else. I'm actually in the boulder. But I didn't come here to talk about my magic act, Michael.

MICHAEL: Okay.

GOB: I came to ask you to be my best man...slash-assistant. And then we'll walk through the act later, of course. I mean, not now.

MICHAEL: No, we're not going to, 'cause you know, I'm out of the family. Did you not get that when I announced it over at Mom's place?

GOB: I feel like I was out of the room at that point.

[cutaway: family meeting/ graduation party]

MICHAEL: I am done with this family. I hope you've saved some money 'cause you...

[background music: Hello, darkness, my old friend... ♪]

[end cutaway]

MICHAEL: Well, the gist of it was: "You know what? I'm done with this family. "I hope you saved your money 'cause you're going to need every last dime now."

GOB: Maybe you could be a centurion, kind of standing over where they think that I'll be.

MICHAEL: I'm not going to be in the act.

GOB: Might be a great promotion for the Bluth Company.

MICHAEL: No, Bluth Company's done. I started my own company: Michael B. Company.

GOB: I have a bee company. You stole my idea?

MICHAEL: Uh-uh, I did not steal your...We sell...It would take hours. How's that going, by the way?

GOB: Uh, not so good. I've been keeping the bees in my apartment. I was using my magic smoke on them. And my bees are dropping like flies, and I need them to fly like bees. And so I've got them out at a bee hospital, which is not cheap, which is another reason I need to be a famous magician.

MICHAEL: Yeah, well, listen, you're with my son's ex, so I can't support the wedding.

GOB: What if I don't actually get married?

MICHAEL: I don't think you'd need a best man, then, right?

GOB: No, I guess, at that point, it'd really be more...assistant.

MICHAEL: Is this an escape act? Are you running again?

GOB: What do you want from me? Marriage is a lot of pressure, and she's not into it. Meanwhile, I'm working out like crazy, my diet has become insane, and this Jesus character-I mean, he was shredded. Meanwhile, we have sex one time, and then she's just, you know, over it. Lets herself go. Her stomach's out to here.

MICHAEL: You know, your whole life is an escape act, and this girl seems like she really likes you. Why don't you just try to work it out and just stop running...? Yeah, I know you're in the boulder.

GOB: But how'd I get in the boulder?

[scene: Church of the Holy Eternal Rapture]

NARRATOR: And on the day of the wedding, even though Gob didn't take it seriously, he was a little hurt to discover no one else in his family did, either.

ANN: I know it's bad luck for you to see me in my gown before the wedding.

GOB: Well, hopefully I haven't.

ANN: You're angry.

GOB: Why? Because none of my family has shown up and the only person I recognize out there is Tony Wonder, who's only shown up hoping that I'd fail?

ANN: I don't know what your surprise trick is, but...I know it's going to be great. And as for your family...you have a new family now. [chuckles]

GOB: I don't want these. - Tobias!

TOBIAS: Gob.

GOB: Thanks for coming.

TOBIAS: Oh, how could I not? I'm playing Roman Centurion Number Two. What are you playing?

GOB: I'm the groom.

TOBIAS: I didn't know there was a groom part. You know, Betty at And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You casting told me this was all biblical.

GOB: Wait, you're not here for the wedding?

TOBIAS: Well, thank you very much for your vote of confidence. I'll have you know I've worked for the Miracle Network a number of times.

[cutaway: screenshots of Miracle Network programming]

ANNOUNCER: Coming up next: Father Marsala's searing docudrama, Father Marsala's John the Baptist. Then the antiabortion drama, Embryo Dan: It Would Have Been a Wonderful Life. And later, break out the bagels. It's time for Father M's lighthearted comedy, A Jew Came to Dinner.

[end cutaway]

 TOBIAS: I hate to be the guy who quotes his own reviews, but His Word magazine...called my Jew "pitiful."

NARRATOR: But soon, the wedding began.

[scene: Wedding]

PASTOR VEAL: So, it truly is a blessed day. I believe that we are all blessed, uh, to be gathering here at the Church of the Holy Eternal Rapture. Uh, we have almost arrived at that glorious moment where we join together these two very special people, but first, my almost son-in-law has something he'd like to share with all of us, so, um...ladies and gentlemen, uh, please enjoy a magical...uh, trick.

GOB: Thanks for that killer intro. It's true, this is a magical trick. If what Jesus did was a trick.

CROWD: [gasps]

GOB: I say it wasn't.

CROWD: [laughter, applause]

GOB: It was an illusion.

CROWD: [gasping softly]

TOBIAS: Ooh, they did not like that one.

GOB: I don't take notes from you, Centurion Number Two. Just turn this thing around. I am not the real Jesus. I am the Amazing Jesus! No? I thought that that would be up your... alley. Yes, the real Jesus came off the cross and went into his cave...a dead man.

NARRATOR: And Gob's escape boulder was wheeled up to the trick.

GOB: But was he crazy enough to do it... handcuffed?

TOBIAS: Handcuff the King of the Jews!

GOB: You don't have words here...Pastor Veal, if you don't mind, please go up into the cave and assure everyone that there's no way to escape: no trapdoors, no secret compartments, no way to get out. Thank you very...Pastor Veal, let me remind you that you are in a church in front of your daughter, your congregation, God. You cannot tell a lie. Right, nothing out of the ordinary?

PASTOR VEAL:  No, I-I didn't see anything.

GOB: Yes. Jesus went into the cave, and he arose three days later. But I'm not going to lock myself in the cave for three days before this wedding ceremony. No, no. No, no, no. I plan on beating his record by two full weeks!

 [background music: The Final Countdown]

TOBIAS: Into the cave with you!

GOB: No, I said don't underline the "you" in that.

NARRATOR: Unfortunately, Gob was not able to open the secret compartment that contained the handcuff key. It's not going to work. Okay, uh, this isn't going to work. Let's do... let's do mouse in drink. Let's do mouse in drink. Just get these people some drinks. We'll just get a mouse. No, no, no. No, no, no, you know not what you do!

NARRATOR: But it very clearly said in the centurions' script to ignore the magician's protests, which meant that, still handcuffed...

GOB: But if my hands are handcuffed,I'll never...

NARRATOR: ...Gob was unable to break his fall and was therefore knocked unconscious. And as the Gob dummy was sealed inside the cave, the real Gob's fate was sealed, as well.

PASTOR VEAL: Well, I guess...we'll wait two weeks...and see if he's in there. Is that okay with you, Ann?

ANN: He's not coming back.

[scene: The parking lot of the Church of the Holy Eternal Rapture]

NARRATOR: Gob was stuck inside a fake boulder in the parking lot of a church,

GOB: [weakly]Hey, kids.

NARRATOR: while inside the church,the daily routine proceeded as usual. . .

[scene: church bingo]

BINGO LEADER: I-18.

NARRATOR: . . .and the anticipation grew to a fevered pitch.

BINGO LEADER: I-18.

[scene: And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You]

PASTOR VEAL: 11 exciting days, um, although nothing's really happened. Day 11. Once he gets out, it's going to be a beautiful, beautiful wedding.

ANN: He's not coming back.

[scene: Church of the Holy Eternal Rapture parking lot]

NARRATOR: But it was Betty from And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You that would render Gob's escape act a disaster.

BETTY: You got to get rid of this thing. I got Mrs. Murray's trailer here. I guess, if he comes back from the dead, we could just get a stepladder.

STORAGE MAN: Guys, this, too.

NARRATOR: And a hoarse, weakened Gob was unable to stop them as the boulder was shipped to a storage unit in Tustin. Although a keen eye could see that Gob was alive but not well. And that's why this particular chair was empty at the trial of Lucille Bluth.

[cutaway to reveal GOB’s empty chair]

[scene: Church of the Holy Eternal Rapture]

PASTOR VEAL: Well, I can't thank you all enough for returning...

NARRATOR: At the end of two weeks, the big day finally arrived... again.

PASTOR VEAL: So let's count down. Let's have some fun, uh, from five, four...three, two, one.

TOBIAS: The dead will walk amongst us. No, he shan't, for he-eth not here.

ANN: I knew it.

 TOBIAS: Oh, there's a note.

GOB: "If I have not yet returned, I am in the Rapture." Oh, and then it says, "Love each other."

MRS. VEAL: What does he think we've been doing? I loaned him $1,000.

[scene: storage locker]

NARRATOR: Gob didn't fare much better than the bride, finally being discovered on an episode of the auction reality show...

TV MAN: Moment of truth, people. It's a masker. Jesus, there's a man in there.

AUCTIONEER: [coughing, speaking indistinct] Let's get the bidding started at a hundred dollars.

GOB: [hissing]

AUCTIONEER: Anybody? -Nope.

ANOTHER MAN: He's hissing.

[scene: hospital]

NARRATOR: After a week in the hospital, Gob was happy to finally see a familiar shape.

ANN: You humiliated me. You made a mockery of my religion and you ruined our wedding.

GOB: Our first fight, and like all fights, you're a little right, I'm a little right.

ANN: I sold your cave on Craigslist.

GOB: So it was all worth it. We have money to start our life together. Now we have our nest, egg-Ann. Now we have our, our nest, Ann.

ANN: I'm leaving you, Gob. I don't love you anymore. I feel sorry for you, and you're gonna be alone forever unless you let the Holy Ghost inside you.

GOB: [laughing] The, the Holy... [stammering]

ANN: You know what? I hope you read this.

NARRATOR: And maybe it was the fact that he had nothing in his system but two weeks of candy vines, but it did get through to him.

GOB: Steve. [into his phone] It's me. Uh, I-I wanted to let you know that I am... I'm-I'm ready to...to... to...let the son of Gob enfold me. Have you been to the club And, owned by Jeremy "Pivan"? I'm gonna be there tonight about 8:00. Maybe you could join me, I don't...Obviously it's, it's me, your fa... [beep] Nah, he got it. Okay.

NARRATOR: Gob was waiting to meet his son at a bar and feeling a little vulnerable.

[scene: And Jeremy Piven’s]

GOB: Lost my wife, lost my career. When I was in that storage unit at the bottom of that rock, it was like I hit...

STEVE HOLT: Rock bottom?

GOB: No, no, not that. More like a trending downward moment that just-- I don't know. Maybe I'm being tested like that guy "Jawb" from the Bible.

RANDOM MAN: [pronounces correctly]: Job.

GOB:  Yes?

RANDOM MAN: Job.

GOB: Yes, sir.

RANDOM MAN: Job.

GOB: Yeah.

STEVE HOLT: Look, I, I feel sorry for you, Pops.

GOB: Hey, pal, I'm not that much older than you, guy. [chuckles] Nah, I'm just here, I'm looking for my son. I'm trying to get some cash out of him, actually.

STEVE HOLT: You, you have another son? [laughs] I have a brother? Oh, man.

GOB: Yes, Steve. Yeah.

STEVE HOLT: What's his name?

GOB: Dave.

STEVE HOLT: Oh, Dave Holt.

GOB:  Yeah, Dave Holt.

STEVE HOLT: Yes.

NARRATOR: Yes, Gob had been speaking to his son for an hour and a half.

[cutaway: an hour and a half ago]

GOB: Wait, your mom's name is Eve?

STEVE HOLT: Yeah.

GOB: God, I [bleep]  a chick named Eve once. Biggest mistake of my life.

[end cutaway]

NARRATOR: And perhaps it was because Gob was inadvertently so warm to his son that Steve offered him a job.

GOB: I don't even really have a job.

STEVE HOLT: Would you want to come work with me?

GOB: I mean, I...Are you serious?

STEVE HOLT: I mean, I'm in pest control, but father and son. What a great team.

GOB: It would be a great team. I mean, I don't care. Pest control-- I don't know. As long as I'm not being a pest to you, right?

STEVE HOLT: No, never.

GOB:  I mean, I'm kidding [mumbling] Where is your place of business?

STEVE HOLT: 181...

GOB: 181...

STEVE HOLT:  Manville.

GOB: Manville.

STEVE HOLT: Manville.

GOB: Manville. What time do you start this pest control?

STEVE HOLT: 7:00 a.m.

GOB: Then I'll be there at 6:45 with two cups of coffee.

STEVE HOLT: Oh, Dad, this is the greatest day of my life.

GOB: No, this is the greatest day of my life.

NARRATOR: And perhaps it was because it was such a great day...

STEVE HOLT: 6:45.

GOB: 6:45.

NARRATOR: ... that Gob decided to stay at the bar...

GOB: 6:45.

NARRATOR: ...and show off a little.

GOB: I bet it's been a long time since you've seen your...[pulls out a cherry] ...cherry.

WOMAN: I have lupus.

GOB: [spits] Could have warned a guy.

NARRATOR: But showing off did catch the attention of someone.

JBJ: That was the real deal, huh? How about this? How about you do that cherry trick for my boy Mark Cherry?

GOB: Mark Cherry the baby-faced singer or Marc Cherry the baby-faced showrunner?

JBJ: Baby-faced singer-right over there, man. He has loved magic ever since he was a kid.

[cutaway: a picture of MARK CHERRY in Pop-A-ROTC gear]

NARRATOR:  Which was two years earlier, when Mark Cherry was the star of a cable teen sitcom called Pop-A-ROTC, created by a longtime writing veteran of the TV show Cheers. Soon, Mark Cherry became a pop sensation off his cowritten hit single"Practice Kisses."

[cutaway: MARK CHERRY on the cover of the hit single “Practice Kisses”]

JBJ: I found a gentleman who is about to do a magic trick for you.

GOB: No, it's an illusion. A trick is something a whore does for...

JBJ: Do a trick and I'll pay for your bar tab.

GOB: Who wants a trick?

 ALL: Yeah! [cheering]

NARRATOR: Gob had them in the palm of his hand. He even got the attention of a still out-of-control Rebel Alley...

REBEL ALLEY: Do it again. I missed it.

NARRATOR: ... who was there doing research for an upcoming PSA...

GOB: Fireball!

NARRATOR: . . .she'd soon be required to do by law.

REBEL ALLEY: Fire, fire!

[cutaway: Fire PSA]

REBEL ALLEY: Never yell "fire" in a crowded place. It's never funny.

[end cutaway]

REBEL ALLEY: That's always funny.

NARRATOR: And she was intrigued by this magical man.

REBEL ALLEY: Oh… Whoa. [GOB dumps alcohol into her purse]That is a David Spade.

GOB: [clears throat] Check your purse.

[A dove has popped out of the purse and is cooing softly]

REBEL ALLEY: [gasping]

GOB: [chuckles]

REBEL ALLEY: Nice.

JBJ: Oh, man, paparazzo.

REBEL ALLEY: Oh, shoot, great. The last thing I need is to be seen partying with some tweens. I'm trying to clean up my act.

JBJ: Dude, network's gonna flip if there's another drunk photo of you.

MARK CHERRY: I know.

JBJ: We got to get you away from this place, okay?

GOB: Getting away is kind of my specialty. I'll have us out of here in a flash. All right. Let's get out of here while they still got lighter fluid in their eyes.  Go, baby.

ALL: [laughing]

[scene: limo]

MARK CHERRY: Oh, man. Oh...Nice moves, Getaway.

GOB: Oh. Okay.

NARRATOR: Gob had been accepted into the group, which was bad news for Cherry's business manager's son Josh Abramson. Gob actually did end up driving down Manville at 6:45 a.m.

GOB: This is it! This is...I'll be with you in a second, I'll be right there. Start without me, just start without me. Don't worry!

STEVE HOLT: He's not coming back.

NARRATOR: Gob was living the dream, and felt like he was in the center of the entourage, even though he was three away from the center at the closest, and it was pop star Mark Cherry's dream.

[scene: And Jeremy Piven’s]

GOB: Hey, I'm with, with the guys.

MARK CHERRY: Keep the limo running, Getaway.

GOB: That's my job.

 [scene: Cycles of loud, raucous partying that looks like a lot of fun juxtaposed with morning after shots of GOB hanging out of the top of the limo and looking like he wants to die]

NARRATOR: The next few months were a blur of partying...and shame. But Gob had a trick for helping him forget the shame. Unfortunately it also helped him forget that he tried to forget the shame...

[scene: Alternating cycles: GOB’s bathroom mirror. He is taking roofies and looks like a dead man walking. His mirror is inscribed with “Joe withabee. . .Fun nite. I have sifilus :(“ Juxtaposed with GOB going to a roofie market in Mexico. He picks up a piece of fruit each time from the stand outside.]

GOB:  [to ROOFIE SALESMAN]Hey, remember me?

NARRATOR: . . .and soon Gob found himself experiencing...

GOB: Hey, I'm having myself a little bit of a...

NARRATOR: . . .what, on the street, is referred to...

GOB:  ...empty bottle situation.

NARRATOR: ...as a roofie circle...

GOB:  I won't forget this.

NARRATOR: ...whereby a roofie is taken the day after a degrading event...too late to erase the memory of the degrading event itself but not too late to erase the prior day's attempt to erase the event.

GOB: [whistles]

NARRATOR: Thus, with no memory of taking the roofie...

GOB: Hey, remember me?

NARRATOR: ...but the memory of the event very much alive...

GOB: Been a while. Oh, I should grab a, uh... oh.

NARRATOR:...the victim of the roofie circle finds himself constantly trying to re-erase the memory...

GOB: What's with the scary guy?

ROOFIE SALSESMAN: Cállate.[Shut up]

NARRATOR: . . .but only succeeds in erasing the memory of the attempt to erase the memory. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months...

GOB:  [laughs] What's with all the Christmas decorations?

NARRATOR: ...as relationships grow testier. And what begins in shame...

GOB: Hey, remember me?

ROOFIE SALESMAN: No, no más, no más.

NARRATOR ...almost always ends...

GOB: You remember me? You remember me?

NARRATOR:  ...in a Mexican hospital...

GOB: Remember me?

NARRATOR:  ...with stage-four syphilis.

GOB: [groans] [His diseased body collapses on the pavement in front of the ROOFIE SALESMAN’s stand]

NARRATOR: Gob was also wearing out his welcome with Mark and the other hangers-on.

[scene: MARK CHERRY’s bedroom]

GOB: See, told you I knew him.

RANDOM WOMAN: Can I get a picture with him to show my five-year-old?

GOB: You have a five-year-old?

RANDOM WOMAN: My granddaughter.

GOB: Oh, yeah, right.

RANDOM WOMAN: Thank you.

MARK CHERRY: The hell?

GOB: Run, run, run.

NARRATOR: And perhaps it was this incident...

MARK CHERRY: [bleep] Getaway.

NARRATOR:  ...that inspired Mark Cherry to actually write a song about Gob.

[scene: Studio. MARK CHERRY is recording in front of his entourage. GOB bops his head obliviously.]

MARK CHERRY: Go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway...

NARRATOR: But the lyrics were too subtle for Gob to notice.

GOB: I know guys just like that.

NARRATOR: And as his life in the Malibu colony was falling apart, he got a call that his bee colony wasn't doing much better from a very much alive Johnny Bark.

[scene: bee farm]

JOHNNY BARK: They're sick. They're going to collapse the whole colony.

MAMA BARK: You tell him about the sick bees?

JOHNNY BARK: Jesus, I just said that!

[GOB loads the sick bees into the backseat of the limo]

[scene: MARK CHERRY’s house]

NARRATOR: And Gob returned just in time to catch his friends going out for the evening without him.

MARK CHERRY: Guys, hurry before he sees us. Come on.

GOB: Hey, guys, where we going? I-I-I'll drive, I just got to put my sick bees in the trunk.

NARRATOR: And perhaps this was the moment that Gob could sense the tide was turning.

GOB: It's my fault, guys. I made a mistake.

[bee buzzing]

[scene: limo]

NARRATOR:  In an effort to remain popular with the gang, Gob stopped in front of a club to pick up some women.

GOB: Who wants to party with Mark Cherry?

WOMEN: Uh, me, me, me...

GOB: That's one forget-me-now saved, huh, fellas? Oh, looks like we got a real live one, and by alive, I mean barely alive.

PEOPLE IN THE BACK: [clamoring] Take off your..clothes. Take off your... clothes.

GOB: We're having a good time. We are having a great time.

MARK CHERRY: Hey, Getaway.

GOB: Yeah.

MARK CHERRY: You know what'd be really cool? If you shut the partition. It'd be like, uh, like a joke, like you're our limo driver...That would be hilarious, right?

GOB: [shutting the partition] "Oh, yes, very good, sir, very good." Right? Be like, "I'm... I'm just driving the queen of England,"but we're still-we're taking our clothes off.

NARRATOR: But perhaps if they had not excluded Gob...

DEBRIE: You guys have anything harder?

NARRATOR: ...he could have prevented this from happening.

DEBRIE: Like, what's in here? You have the good stash in here?

MARK CHERRY: What are you talking about?

[DEBRIE yanks open a part of the seat and sick bees buzz into the backseat from the trunk]

PEOPLE IN THE BACKSEAT: [ screaming]

[GOB cannot hear the people in the front]

GOB: [to himself]"A lot of traffic out here today, Miss Daisy."

PEOPLE IN THE BACKSEAT: [screaming]

BEES: [buzzing]

GOB: Go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway...

NARRATOR: On the plus side, Gob's bees were feeling good enough to sting again.

[scene: MARK CHERRY’s house. Everyone is passed out in the living room except GOB, who is ranting manically to no one in particular]

GOB: I see this boat and I'm like, "Those are police boats," so, anyway, I'm running around and I said, "It's not a trick, it's an illusion..."

NARRATOR: To the entourage, the evening was a complete disaster. Drunken, sick, and covered with bee stings, they had truly hit bottom.

GOB: [chuckles]

NARRATOR: For Gob, however, it was an amazing night, and he couldn't wait to forget it.

GOB: Hmm, hmm. Fun night. [laughs]A... fun night. Fun night. [chuckles]

NARRATOR: The next day, Getaway awoke without a care in the world and snuck to the front door, trying not to arouse the gang he assumed would be blissfully sleeping it off all day.

GOB: Wake up!

NARRATOR:  But Gob had slept through the seven ambulances that had arrived after Josh Abramson had swung by to pick up an old computer. Nonetheless, later that evening, Gob arrived early at the Opies, an award show that honored youth in Hollywood, to make sure that Mark Cherry would be well taken care of...

[scene: the opies]

GOB: Where's the coconut shrimp?

NARRATOR: ...before he was scheduled to perform.

GOB: Hey, come on, my guys love coconut shrimp, especially if they can get it with a little bit of club...

NARRATOR: It was then that Gob noticed the presence of a competitor from his past.

GOB: T.W. Tony Wonder.

NARRATOR:  Gob realized that where there was glitter, there must also be Tony Wonder...and that's when Gob decided to take advantage of an unexpected diversion and have a little fun by wedging shut a panel on the podium he knew Tony Wonder would pop out of.

GOB: [over the phone]You guys want to see a real failed magician? You might want to get down to the Opies tonight. It's going to be hysterical.

NARRATOR: And that's when Gob found out that Mark Cherry had checked into rehab.

GOB: Well, come on, you guys, I mean, it's just...A little alcohol poisoning never killed anyone.

[cutaway: graphs of alcohol related deaths]

NARRATOR: Actually, alcohol poisoning is responsible for over 4,000 deaths a year.

[cutaway: REBEL ALLEY PSA]

REBEL ALLEY: Binge drinking-- not cool.

[end cutaway]

GOB: Well, that's a drag. I thought we were friends.

NARRATOR: But, of course, they weren't.

MORT: But Schnoodle's coming out now, too,  just like Tony Wonder.

NARRATOR:  And that's when he saw Tony Wonder come out of a speaker.

TONY: I'm here, I'm queer. And now I'm in a speaker.

 MORT: No one can stop us.

[explosion]

NARRATOR: It was in that pivotal moment that Gob realized he had lost his fiancée, his career, his family and his entourage.

GOB: I have no one in my life who cares for me.

[background music: Hello, darkness... ♪]

[cell phone: Go away, Getaway, stay away, Getaway... ♪]

GOB: Great, and now my boss is on my ass.

NARRATOR: On the next Arrested Development, Gob nurses the loss of his new family when he gets a call from his old one.

[cell phone: Get away, Getaway... ♪]

GOB: This is Gob.

LUCILLE: [over phone] It's your mother. We're going to plan "B." Go see your father in the desert. He wants you to prepare to be president of the Bluth Company.

[scene: in limo]

GOB: Yes, finally. I will not disappoint you, Mom. I am the perfect person to look out for this family.

[horn honks]

[GOB almost runs over MICHAEL in the street by accident. He doesn’t notice]

MICHAEL: Whoa. Hey, I met a girl today...

GOB: Get away, Getaway...

NARRATOR:  And after collapsing yet another colony, Gob makes a startling discovery...

[scene: George and Oscar’s sweat lodge/cave illusion that is now overrun by sick bees]

GOB: My cave.

NARRATOR: ...and decides to investigate...

GOB: Why didn't you open?

NARRATOR: ...only to discover that someone had wedged shut his secret compartment on the day he deserted his Christian bride.

GOB: "T." Tony Wonder. Tony Wonder.

 

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